I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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