I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
