remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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