I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
