McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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