Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
