you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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