"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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