so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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