My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
