wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no you cant smoke seaweed
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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