dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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