My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
