and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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