u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
