My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You ruined the universe
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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