If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
