Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
