the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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