Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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