I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
