I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
