Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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