I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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