I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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