I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
