I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
