well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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