Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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