You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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