Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
