I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
