win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
being pregnant is like rehab
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
