i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
