And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
