Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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