I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
