I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
