my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
