someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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