Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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