so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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