Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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