I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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