And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
