Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
