When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
