You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
