So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
