Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
