What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
